5 Tips to stop the People Pleasing cycle today
Identify the Root of People-Pleasing:
Explanation: Take time to delve into your personal history and experiences to uncover the underlying reasons behind your people-pleasing tendencies. This involves reflecting on past relationships, childhood experiences, and societal influences that may have shaped your behavior. Understanding the root cause of your people-pleasing can provide valuable insight into why you engage in this behavior and lay the foundation for change.
Example: During therapy sessions, an individual explores their childhood experiences and realizes that they learned to prioritize others' needs as a way to gain love and approval from their parents. They recall instances where they were praised for being helpful and accommodating, reinforcing the belief that their worthiness depended on meeting others' expectations. This insight helps them recognize the origin of their people-pleasing behavior and its impact on their adult relationships.
Understand the Underlying Needs:
Explanation: Delve deeper into the emotional needs that drive your people-pleasing tendencies. Consider whether these needs can be met through alternative means that align with your values and well-being.
Example: Recognizing their fear of rejection as a driving force behind people-pleasing, the individual explores ways to build self-confidence and seek validation from within rather than relying solely on external approval. They engage in self-compassion practices and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of others' opinions.
Weigh the Consequences:
Explanation: Before engaging in people-pleasing behavior, carefully consider the potential consequences for yourself, others involved, and the overall situation. Assess whether the short-term benefits outweigh the long-term costs.
Example: When considering taking on additional tasks at work to please their boss, the individual weighs the potential impact on their workload, stress levels, and overall well-being against the desire for recognition and approval. They recognize that overcommitting may lead to burnout and compromise their health and work-life balance.
Give Yourself a Choice:
Explanation: Recognize that you have the power to choose how you respond to situations, rather than defaulting to people-pleasing behavior out of habit or obligation. Practice mindfulness and self-reflection to become aware of your automatic responses.
Example: Faced with a request that goes against their values, such as working overtime without proper compensation, the individual acknowledges that they have a choice in whether to agree or assert their boundaries. They consider alternative responses and prioritize their well-being over external validation.
Practice Boundary-Setting:
Explanation: Actively set and maintain boundaries in your interactions with others to protect your well-being. Boundaries are all about protecting your energy, not trying to change anyone else’s experience or emotions. Assertively communicate your needs, preferences, and limits while respecting those of others. Make each side at least equal when considering your boundaries, ideally prioritizing yourself.
Example: Setting a time boundary, the individual politely declines invitations to social events when they need personal time to recharge, clearly communicating their availability and self-care needs. They practice assertive communication techniques to express their boundaries without feeling guilty or obligated to comply with others' expectations.
For me hearing and seeing this in action is really helpful to finding how I will actually start implementing changes. So here are some examples of what setting boundaries might sound like this:
Practice Boundary-Setting:
Boundaries: Actively practice setting and maintaining boundaries in your interactions with others. Boundaries are limits or guidelines that you establish to protect your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Assertive communication involves expressing your needs, preferences, and boundaries clearly and respectfully, while also respecting the needs and boundaries of others.
Time Boundaries: When setting a boundary around time, you might say, "I'd love to attend the event, but I have a prior commitment and need to leave by 8 p.m." This communicates your availability while also honoring your need for personal time and space. It's a gentle way to assert your boundaries while still participating in social activities.
Workload Management: In a work setting, you could assertively communicate your workload by saying, "I appreciate the opportunity to take on additional tasks, but I already have several deadlines to meet this week. I'm happy to help out where I can, but I may need some support prioritizing my workload to ensure everything gets done on time."
Values and Preferences: When faced with a request that goes against your values or boundaries, you could assertively decline by saying, "Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm not comfortable participating in that activity. It's important to me to maintain my integrity and align with my values."
Personal Space and Self-Care: Setting boundaries in relationships might involve expressing your needs and expectations directly. For instance, you could say to a friend or partner, "I need some alone time tonight to recharge. I appreciate your understanding and support in giving me the space I need."
Addressing Unwanted Behavior: Assertively addressing unwanted behavior or boundaries being crossed might involve saying, "When you interrupt me during meetings, I feel disrespected and it disrupts the flow of our discussions. In the future, I'd appreciate it if you could wait until I've finished speaking before interjecting."
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
Establishing healthier boundaries involves a series of steps for people-pleasers:
Start with Small Changes: Initiate boundary-setting by addressing basic needs such as personal time or meal choices. Begin with manageable adjustments to build confidence in asserting your needs.
Consistency is Crucial: Once boundaries are set, maintain consistency in enforcing them. Despite initial discomfort, sticking to boundaries reinforces self-care practices and communicates your needs effectively.
Acknowledge and Accept Discomfort: Recognize any discomfort or guilt that arises when asserting boundaries. Embrace these feelings as natural parts of the growth process, allowing yourself to navigate them without judgment.
Gradually Expand Boundaries: Challenge yourself to expand boundaries gradually. Practice saying "no" to requests or obligations that do not align with your priorities, gradually increasing your comfort level in setting limits.
Seek Support and Encouragement: Surround yourself with supportive individuals who understand and respect your journey toward healthier boundaries. Trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can offer encouragement and guidance, helping you navigate challenges and doubts along the way.