Recognize the Red Flags: 10 Common Phrases That Harm Relationships
As a therapist with nearly a decade of experience working with couples, I've observed certain patterns that are common in most relationships. Some of these patterns are signs of strength, empathy, compassion, and resilience. However, these positive cues tend to be unique to each relationship. On the other hand, signs that a relationship is struggling are often more consistent across different couples.
Before you jump to conclusions if you hear or use these phrases, remember that everyone (even therapists) can show up to conflicts as less than their ideal selves. We all say and do things we might later regret. This list is intended to help you recognize when your relationship might need help or is stuck in a conflict cycle that needs to end before the relationship does.
Here are the 10 phrases I hear most often from relationships that are in trouble:
"I'm sorry you feel that way…" This phrase can come across as dismissive and invalidating. It suggests that the problem lies with the other person's feelings rather than acknowledging any responsibility or empathy. Similarly degrading statements can sound like: “I didn’t mean that,” “My intention wasn’t to…” Stick with the impact; what's in your head is not what hurt your partner.
"Just Calm Down…" Telling someone to calm down often has the opposite effect. It dismisses their emotions and can escalate the situation, making the other person feel unheard and invalidated. Other phrases that drive partners to breaking points: “You’re making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be,” “You are too sensitive,” “You only got mad at me because…”
"Yes, But…" (or "I’m sorry, but…") Adding a "but" to an apology or agreement undermines the sincerity of the statement. It indicates that the speaker isn't fully taking responsibility and is instead deflecting or justifying their behavior. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don’t overcomplicate things. Agree, disagree, apologize, don’t apologize—just don’t add qualifiers to your choice.
4. "I’ll change once you…" This phrase places conditions on change and improvement, suggesting that one partner's behavior is contingent on the other's actions. It shifts responsibility and can create a stalemate where no progress is made.
5. "You made me do it." Blaming your partner for your actions removes accountability and implies that your behavior is not within your control. This can lead to a cycle of blame and resentment. This also applies to “I wouldn’t do… if you didn’t…”
6. "Obviously, I regretted…" Using the word "obviously" can be condescending and dismissive. If something were truly obvious, there would be no need for the conversation. For example, saying, "Obviously, I didn't mean that," or "Obviously, I respect you," negates the reason for the discussion. When a partner raises a concern or feeling, it's clear that it is not obvious to them. This phrase can make the listener feel their feelings and perspectives are being trivialized, undermining meaningful dialogue. Similar lines with the same impact: “Of course I…” “I only said that because we were fighting…”
7. "You are just like…" Comparing your partner to someone else, especially in a negative context, is hurtful and can damage their self-esteem. It shifts the focus from the issue at hand to a personal attack. It is often additionally hurtful (and unfortunately common) for the comparison to be to someone who has deeply hurt the other partner, a double blow that could certainly be a relationship ender for many.
8. "You’re being…" Dramatic! Emotional! Paranoid! Such a D***! Labeling your partner's behavior (e.g., "You're being unreasonable") is dismissive and can lead to defensiveness rather than constructive dialogue. Even if you feel they are being a jerk, telling someone what or who they are will never get them to change the behavior. Think of the why before giving someone feedback about their behavior. Similar fight-starting statements: “You are (gaslighting, manipulating, picking a fight with) me,” “You are such a…”
9. "Why can’t you just…" This phrase often comes off as critical and impatient. It implies that your partner's actions or feelings are unreasonable and that they should simply conform to your expectations.
10. "If you really loved me, you would…" The only love that is unconditional, that includes one-way care and support, is that of parents/caregivers to children. That’s it. Partnerships are not one-way, they are not unconditional. Loving someone is actually not enough to keep a relationship going. Telling someone that they should allow you to cross a boundary in the name of love is not how adult relationships should ever work.
Recognizing these phrases and understanding their impact is the first step towards healthier communication. If you find these patterns in your relationship, it might be beneficial to seek professional help. A therapist can guide you in developing more constructive ways of communicating and resolving conflicts, ultimately strengthening your relationship.
If you feel that your relationship could benefit from professional support, consider reaching out to us at Attached Marriage & Family Therapy. Our team specializes in helping couples navigate these challenges and build stronger, more resilient connections.
