10 Rules to Sopt Your Next Fight From Blowing Up
Let’s face it—fights in relationships can go from zero to "how did we get here?" in no time. Enter the time-out: a tool that saves you from saying the thing you swear you don’t mean but can’t unsay once it’s out there. Terry Real, Relational Life Therapy’s recovering narcissus founder, lays down some ground rules for taking a break that actually works (unsurprisingly: storming out while yelling “I’m done!” isn’t one of them).
Here’s how to take a time-out without turning it into a “why do you have to be like your mother” blow out extravaganza.
1. Know When to Call It
If your heart’s racing, your voice is getting louder, or you’ve entered the dark land of sarcasm and eye-rolls, it’s time to pump the brakes. A time-out is your off-ramp before you crash.
💡 The Line to Use: “I need a second before I say something I’ll regret.” Bonus points for avoiding blame while still owning your sh*t.
2. Don’t Blame—Just Bail (Nicely)
Time-outs are for self-regulation, not a passive-aggressive mic drop. Skip the “You’re making me crazy!” and try, “I need to step away and come back when I can actually think.”
💡 Pro Tip: If your partner pushes back, stay calm: “This isn’t about you—it’s about me trying to not make things worse.”
3. Pick a Signal That Works
Maybe you say, “Time-out!” like you’re a referee. Maybe you flash a peace sign or send a 🚨 emoji. Whatever it is, agree on it in advance so you don’t end up with one person thinking it means “Let’s cool down” and the other thinking it means “This is over.”
4. Set a Check-In Time, Even if It's Emoji-Based
Terry Real says 20-30 minutes is the sweet spot for a time-out. If you’re still not ready, don’t ghost your partner—send a quick update. A simple “Still cooling off 😡➡️😌” or even just a thumbs-up emoji lets them know you’re not bailing forever.
💡 The Rule: If you’re not back within 24 hours, you’ve turned a time-out into a slow fade. That’s not the move.
5. No Interrupting the Break
Calling a time-out is non-negotiable. If your partner tries to corner you mid-break, channel your inner bouncer: “I’ll be back when we agreed. This is for both of us.”
💡 Pro Tip: Go to a separate room, take a walk, or hide in your car (because you know it’s the best thinking spot).
6. Use the Time to Actually Chill
A time-out isn’t just an excuse to doom-scroll Instagram. This is your moment to breathe, shake it off, or scream-sing to your playlist of choice.
Go for a walk.
Write down what you’re feeling (or at least doodle some angry stick figures).
Do anything that gets your brain off DEFCON 1.
💡 The Move: Ask yourself, “What do I actually want to say when we talk again?” If the answer is “I want to WIN,” take more time.
7. Don’t Come Back Until You’re Ready
If you’re still in fight mode, extend the break. Use emojis or a quick text to communicate: “Not ready yet. Let’s check in again in 30.” This isn’t about dodging the issue; it’s about making sure you can talk without biting each other’s heads off.
💡 Pro Tip: Give yourself a hard deadline (no more than 24 hours). This keeps the break from turning into avoidance.
8. Come Back Like an Adult (or at Least Fake It)
When the time-out ends, show up ready to be a grown-up—or at least pretend to be one. Start with something that rebuilds trust, like: “I’m calmer now. I want to hear where you’re coming from.”
💡 Warning: If you start with “You were SO wrong about—” just turn around and walk back out.
9. Put the Fight on Ice for 24 Hours
Even after the time-out, don’t jump straight back into the topic that made you lose your cool. It’s like poking a fire that’s just starting to die down. Give it 24 hours before you tackle the big stuff.
💡 Pro Tip: Use this time to connect instead of stewing. Watch a dumb show together, share funny TikToks, or just go for a walk.
10. Know When to Call in Reinforcements
If the same fight keeps happening no matter how many time-outs you take, it’s time to bring in a pro. Some issues need more than a break—they need a blueprint for how to actually fix the root cause.
💡 Reality Check: Therapy isn’t a failure. It’s like calling in a mechanic when your car keeps stalling.
Why Timing Matters
Time-outs work because they give your nervous system a chance to chill. Science says it takes at least 20 minutes for stress hormones to leave your body after you hit peak rage. If you come back too soon, you’re likely to re-ignite the fight. But wait too long, and you risk avoiding the issue entirely.
Final Thoughts
Time-outs aren’t about winning or losing—they’re about hitting pause so you can get back to being a team. Fights happen, but they don’t have to define your relationship. The next time things get heated, try these rules and watch how quickly the tension shifts.
💡 Pro Tip: If you’re curious about how to manage conflict better (or just want to stop fighting about the dishes), hit us up for couples therapy. Because life’s too short to spend it bickering over who left the cap off the toothpaste.