I want a divorce but my partner doesn’t.
Navigating the Space Between Us
Ending a relationship is never an easy decision, and it gets even more complicated when one partner feels ready to walk away while the other wants to stay. You might feel stuck in a tug-of-war—torn between your own clarity and the weight of your partner’s resistance. In this blog, I want to talk about this moment of uncertainty, how discernment counseling can help couples like you, and why it’s not for everyone.
When You’re Ready to End Things, but Your Partner Isn’t
It’s common to feel a mix of guilt, frustration, and confusion in this situation. Your partner might be asking for another chance or denying there’s even a problem, while you’re exhausted from carrying the emotional labor or resentful over unmet needs. Maybe you’ve tried couples therapy before, and it didn’t lead to meaningful change. Or perhaps this realization is new to you, and you’re still trying to figure out what’s next.
Where do you go from here when the two of you are so far apart?
What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a short-term process designed to help couples where one partner is leaning out of the relationship and the other is leaning in. Unlike traditional couples therapy, discernment counseling isn’t about fixing the relationship or even committing to stay together. Instead, it’s about creating clarity.
In discernment, you work with a therapist to explore three paths:
Stay together as is.
Separate.
Commit to six months of intentional therapy to work on the relationship.
The goal isn’t to solve your relationship issues during discernment but to help both partners reach a confident decision about the next steps.
Who is Discernment Counseling For?
Discernment counseling is ideal for couples who:
Feel uncertain about whether to end the relationship or try to save it.
Have a leaning-out partner who wants to reflect on their decision in a guided, structured way.
Want to avoid regrets, regardless of whether they stay together or separate.
Are willing to engage in honest, vulnerable conversations about the state of their relationship.
Who is Discernment Counseling NOT For?
While discernment counseling can be transformative, it isn’t for everyone. It’s not the right fit if:
You’re experiencing abuse.
Relationships marked by abuse require specialized interventions focused on safety, not discernment.You’ve already decided to leave.
If you’re 100% certain about ending the relationship, discernment counseling may not serve you or your partner.Your partner is unwilling to participate.
Discernment requires both partners to show up, even if one is leaning out.
What If You’re 100% Certain About Divorce?
For those who feel 100% certain about ending their relationship, discernment counseling might not be the right step. However, this doesn’t mean you’re out of options for support.
Many people view divorce as the only way to create meaningful change—whether that’s peace of mind, a fresh start, or even the possibility of a healthier co-parenting dynamic. But here’s the thing: divorce is not always the change we think it is. Sometimes, the true work comes in understanding the patterns that led you here, so you don’t carry them forward into your next relationship or even post-divorce interactions with your partner.
If this resonates, working one-on-one with a therapist can help you:
Explore your own clarity. Gain deeper insight into what brought you to this decision and how to move forward with confidence.
Navigate tough conversations. Find language to express your certainty to your partner in a way that minimizes conflict and creates a pathway for a smoother separation.
Prepare for life after divorce. Reflect on what you need to thrive in your next chapter—whether that’s healing, growth, or a new beginning.
While your clarity might feel isolating in the moment, you don’t have to face this process alone. Individual therapy can provide a safe space to sort through the emotions and practicalities of moving forward.
Why Discernment Counseling Could Help
For those who aren’t entirely certain about their next step, discernment counseling creates a safe space for both partners to express what’s really happening in the relationship. It provides a chance for your partner to hear your perspective without defensiveness and for you to consider whether there’s anything left to work on.
Even if the end feels inevitable, discernment can give your partner the clarity they need to process the decision and make the transition more collaborative.
What’s Next?
Whether you’re leaning out, firmly certain, or somewhere in between, there are tools and support available to help you navigate this crossroads. If you’re interested in learning more about discernment counseling or individual therapy, reach out to a therapist trained in these approaches.
No matter where you land, the goal is to move forward with clarity, confidence, and as little regret as possible.