How Do I Get My Mother-in-Law to Stop Buying Our Kids More Stuff?

Ah, the holidays—a magical time filled with joy, nostalgia, and the timeless challenge of navigating family dynamics. If you’ve ever muttered, “How do I get my mother-in-law to stop buying my kids so much stuff?” you’re not alone. This question has popped up in at least ten conversations with clients, friends, and fellow parents in the last week. To my own MIL (and Mom), I promise this isn’t personal—but MILs often bear the brunt of this universal stereotype.

Why Do MILs Love to Give?

Often, grandmas are trying to be present in their grandkids’ lives without crossing boundaries. For many, this means relying on what they can do—giving gifts. Their generation often didn’t have the luxury of setting boundaries with elders, so they may struggle to find their role in a modern family dynamic. Add to that geographic distance, limited energy, or life circumstances, and buying gifts becomes a way to stay connected. A shiny new toy, tech gadget, or cute outfit on sale becomes a tangible way to show love, celebrate the child’s personality, or simply remain relevant in a busy family’s life.

But every family has its own inherited beliefs about gift-giving. Understanding why this pattern exists in your family will help you shift the behavior. Ask yourself:

• Did your MIL struggle to afford things for her kids and now sees this as her chance to spoil them?

• Was she shown love primarily through gifts in her own life?

• Does she feel it’s her role in the family to be the gift-giver, especially if she’s no longer hosting big holiday gatherings?

• Is she far away and can’t be involved in the daily lives of her grandkids?

• Is she dealing with illness or other limitations, replacing presence with presents?

When Grandma Sees the Past Differently

For some grandmas, this stage of life brings reflection. They may recognize shortcomings or regrets from when they were moms—moments they wish they had done differently, things they now see as missed opportunities. With grandkids, they may feel a second chance to get it right.

While this might seem heartwarming, it can create friction. As parents, we may feel jealous or wary of this change from Mom to Grandma. After all, where was this patient, doting person when we were growing up? It’s worth exploring if feelings of hurt, jealousy, or resentment are coloring how we see these gifts.

This dynamic can also be an opportunity. If both you and Grandma are open to it, there’s space for healing. Reflect on how your new roles as parent and grandparent can grow together. What boundaries, conversations, or understanding could allow you both to feel more supported and connected?

Why Does This Bother Me So Much?

Before addressing your MIL, it’s worth asking why the gift-giving bothers you. Some common frustrations include:

• “There’s no room in the house for another toy!”

• “She’s trying to show me up!”

• “She’s pushing her values onto my kids through these gifts.”

• “I feel obligated or manipulated when she gives gifts.”

There’s a difference between personal preference (e.g., not liking her taste) and legitimate red flags, like gifts being used for control or guilt trips.

Examples:

• A red flag might look like: “I got the kids this because you never do anything special for them.”

• An innocuous (but irritating) habit might be: “I saw this toy and thought of the kids! Isn’t it perfect?”

When you’re clear on why it bothers you, it’ll be easier to address the issue effectively.

Red Flags vs. Irritating Habits: Spotting the Difference

Not all over-gifting is created equal. Sometimes it’s an irritating habit, and other times it’s a sign of deeper manipulation. The key is identifying the intention behind the behavior and how it makes you feel.

Examples of Subtle Manipulation:

• “I know you said the kids didn’t need anything else, but I couldn’t resist—it’s what grandmas are supposed to do!”

• “I spent so much time picking this out; I can’t believe you don’t appreciate it.”

• “It’s fine if you don’t let them keep it, but they’re going to be so disappointed in you.”

• “When I was a parent, I didn’t need someone telling me how to raise my kids.”

These comments aim to guilt-trip, deflect responsibility, or undermine your authority as a parent.

Examples of Well-Meaning (but Irritating) Habits:

• “I saw this toy and thought of the kids! Isn’t it perfect?”

• “I couldn’t resist—they’re going to love it!”

The difference lies in how the giver responds to boundaries:

• A well-meaning grandma might say, “Oh, I didn’t realize it was too much. Thanks for letting me know—I’ll keep that in mind!”

• A manipulative grandma might say, “I just wanted to do something nice, but I guess nothing I do is ever good enough for you.”

Pay attention to whether the conversation focuses on finding a solution or deflecting responsibility. Manipulation often redirects the focus to their feelings rather than the actual issue.

Focusing on Inclusion Over Gifts

For many grandmas, the heart of their gift-giving isn’t about control but about staying involved and feeling valued. Gifts might be the easiest way they know to connect, but often, they’re looking for more—a way to feel like they’re part of your family’s story.

If your MIL genuinely wants to be included, here are some ways to shift the focus away from material gifts and toward meaningful connection:

1. Create Shared Traditions
   Involve her in activities that make her feel like an integral part of the family. Whether it’s decorating cookies, hosting a family meal, or reading a special holiday story to the kids, giving her a unique role can provide a sense of purpose and belonging.

2. Highlight the Value of Quality Time
   Encourage her to spend time with the kids in ways that don’t revolve around gifts. Baking, crafting, or even just playing a favorite board game can create cherished memories.

3. Show Appreciation for Her Efforts
   Acknowledging her good intentions goes a long way in maintaining a positive relationship. Even if the gifts feel excessive, focus on her thoughtfulness:

   • “It’s so sweet of you to think of them. They’re lucky to have a grandma who cares so much.”

4. Offer Alternatives That Build Connection
   Suggest meaningful contributions that don’t involve material items. For example:

   • Making a scrapbook or photo album with the kids

   • Contributing to a college fund or savings account

   • Planning a family outing or shared experience

These ideas allow her to channel her generosity into something lasting and impactful.

Building Bridges, Not Walls

At the heart of it, most grandmas just want to feel connected and included. By understanding their motivations, setting clear boundaries, and offering alternatives, you can create a dynamic that respects your parenting while strengthening her bond with your family.

Whether your MIL’s gift-giving feels overwhelming or simply out of sync with your parenting style, the holidays are a chance to lean into connection. With a little understanding—and a lot of patience—you can find ways to make her feel included without compromising your family’s needs.

Because, at the end of the day, the greatest gift we can give each other is belonging.