5 Losing Strategies That Destroy Relationships
Relational Life Therapy developed by Terry Real focuses on the reality of relational living. We all have adaptive protective parts of us, that at times make us shitty partners. The goal for good relationships isn’t never shitty again, it’s to recognize our unique flavor of asshole and stop it before it blows up our relationships. We can go from disharmony to harmony when we find our own defensiveness and learn to work with it.
Relationships are hard work, we can not always be our best selves with the ones we love, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes the rush of emotion that comes up when we feel unheard, misrepresented or unfairly blamed gets the best of us. When we do, we often fall into losing strategies to stop the rush. But I don’t need to tell you, that these strategies, though gratifying in the moment, never end well.
Knowing these strategies is key to working with them. And no, there is no magic way to stop them from happening, we are humans who are not always going to be perfect, and that’s not a bad thing! But we can learn from our losing strategies and move into relational living more quickly when we see what’s actually happening.
Being Right - Nearly all of us want to feel justified, correct, and understood. This desire rises up and the more we feel wronged, the stronger we hold to our position. This death grip on ‘rightness’ cuts off all air to the relationship we are fighting for. We lose sight of connection and only focus on fairness or justice. There are spaces for that in relationships, to see different perspectives, and challenge one another, but it can’t happen when we are pushing our side down our partners’ throats.
Control - The more unstable a relationship feels, the more likely we are to try to regain control by controlling the environment or our partners. This can be obvious like trying to dictate what our partners do or say. “You can only ask me for that if you do this first” or “I will only talk to you if you…” But there are also more subtle ways to control that we might not initially see as controlling. Walking on eggshells, trying to read and respond to our person’s unspoken emotions, trying to shield them from hard conversations. We do this, often to avoid escalation, or because it feels protective, but it is still a form of manipulation. Outside of abusive situations, we need to overcome our people-pleasing and say the thing that needs saying, our person’s response is on them. But be prepared for any response, it might be one that tells you more than you are ready to face.
Retaliation - This is another one that can be obvious, you’re going to yell, well then F*** I am too. Or if you tell me how I did something wrong I’m going to tell you all the ways you have wronged me. The more subtle one that feels very protective is, I don’t feel seen or heard so I’m going to stop talking or withdraw. Yet again, this might be needed when the issues continue to occur, but we have to call a thing a thing. If it’s not abuse or an ongoing persistent issue, retaliation only works against us (no matter how justified it feels in the moment).
Withdrawing - This is where we find ways to do anything other than connect with our partners, we literally avoid them, get busy at work, or emotionally withdraw. There will always be times we need to take space or a break, these are healthy helpful strategies. It’s when we remain in the withdrawn state that things start to go south for us.
Unbridled Self-Expression - We know that the key to relationships is honesty and openness, but we can, actually, take these too far. Our partners do not need to hear every thought and feeling we have at all times. When we are angry at our person, and see them as critical or working against us, it’s normal to have negative thoughts of them. “Why do they always have to….” “They are being such a dick, WTF?” Saying these in your head in a moment of upset is fine as long as we recognize them as temporary mean thoughts, not reality. It’s when we share all of these thoughts and then some we get into trouble. This can also look like sharing all of your feelings in hopes your person will make them all better, even if they wanted to, no one else can change our feelings. We may have a million and one theories or diagnoses for our partners, but we are sure we know exactly why they are the issue in the relationship. Unbridled self-expression tells me I am entitled to share this with my person, regardless of their consent or inclusion to my hypothesis.
Now that you know what to look out for, you can better recognize your losing strategy and more easily let go of it in favor of your relationship. We can still voice our thoughts, hold others accountable and protect our emotional well-being without these strategies, they just feel the most familiar and instantly gratifying. Take a step back and choose what is goal you are trying to reach with this strategy and there is a better way of getting there, a way that values everyone’s feelings equally, no better no less.