Feedback Wheel
Use the feedback wheel to structure your hard conversations. It’s not to make things cold and unfeeling, rather this formula allows you to share your perspective, feelings and needs in a way that your partners can actually hear.
Timing - Ask before diving into giving your person feedback.
Wrong Way: “Hey I’m going to tell you now why I’m mad at you and what you did to deserve it.”
Right Way: “Hey can we talk about something that’s been on my mind lately?” Then your person can agree or postpone (then actually reschedule!) “I want to talk with you about this, can we do it in an hour? That way I can unwind from my day and be more focused on what you have to say.”
Observable Recounting - Here you state clearly what you saw, heard or experienced. If you can’t see it, leave it out (so no feelings or motivations that you believe the other had).
Wrong Ways to Recount: “You came home mad and ignored that I was overwhelmed with my own thing”
Right Ways to Recount: “I felt really overwhelmed when you came home and dropped all your things on the table without saying anything, then walked into the room I imagined you were angry and that felt difficult for me to know how to talk to you.”
The Story In Your Head: This is where you share the inferred, imagined and assumed reasons, feelings and motivations of the other person.
Wrong Way: “You came home angry” or “In your head I wasn’t doing enough for us.”
Right Way: “When I saw you come in without talking to me, in my head you were mad at me for not cleaning the dishes like I said I would.”
I Feel: Share how it made you feel. Try to go beyond your initial feelings.
Okay Way: “…and I felt sad.”
Better Way: “…and I started to feel anxious and worried that things were not okay with us. That always makes me sad and it’s harder for me to be caring in my words”
Request: Make your request for a change in the future, or a repair. (Your person may or may not agree to the request, your job is just to communicate the desire and then negotiate)
Wrong Way: “You need to be more considerate of me.”
Better Way: “Next time you feel upset when you come home, if you can just say I had a bad day give me a minute. I will happily give you space. It would be even better if after you take your time you check in with me. Can we work on something like that?”
Pro Tips:
Less is more: using fewer words will always make your message more clear. You don’t have to overexplain your feelings or tip-toe around the point.
Be Direct and Compassionate: being short can be done in a caring loving way. Think about how you would want to receive feedback, think about how your partners receive feedback best. Work with that.