Discernment Worksheet
We’ve put together this guide for you to use throughout this discernment process to help you take care of yourself and pay attention to your partner in healthy ways. This is not homework, but rather a resource for you so that you can create space and time to continue the important work that you’ve started.
When Talking Together
Try to set a time to simply check in with how you both are doing. Asking open-ended questions NOT to see what the other has decided, but how they are doing in the process.
What can this look/sound like?
“I know we are in a transition moment, and we aren’t sure where we are going next. For me this feels ______. How are you feeling?”
“I don’t want to push you to make a decision, I just want to know how you are doing because we are both in this process together.”
“How can I support you this week given what we are going through?”
“Would it be helpful for me to give you space or check in with you or just be with you without talking about what’s going on?”
Self-Reflection
Schedule 15 minutes to sit by yourself and check in with how you are doing. Journaling is a great way to connect with your thoughts, emotions, and body.
Journal or Reflect on:
How am I feeling about being in this process today? (move away from forcing for searching for the answer, instead just notice how you feel and what’s coming up for you as you are working through this transition)
Is there something I need to support my emotional needs this week?
Is there something I can do to create space for me to care for my needs this week?
Who is around me that can help support me in this time?
Caring for Kids
Pause and consider how your kids are doing in this process. You don’t need to fix things for them or pretend that everything is okay. The best thing you can do for them is to emotionally show up for them and try to empathize with them.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
Are there supports your kids might need at this time? You may look for family or friends who they can spend time with this week to allow you and your partner to process and for the kids to have their own space.
Find 15 minutes to just be present with your kids, allow them to take the lead. This is a time to join them in play or downtime rather than completing a task or working on a project.
Cues to Take a Break
Taking a break when you feel activated or overwhelmed is the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself. In order to know when to take a break, you need to pay attention to what’s going on inside yourself. Here are a few common cues that signal that you need to take a break:
Your Thoughts start to come more quickly or more slowly
Your thoughts may:
Jump to what you are going to respond with next, instead of listening
It starts to feel fuzzy and it’s hard to know what to say or what is being said
Jumps to the past and replays past events or fights
Your Body starts to get activated or shuts down
Your body may:
Get tense - clenched fists, tight jaw, shoulders move up to your ears…
Feels cold or disoriented - your limbs may feel tingly, vision may seem blurry, hearing seems muffled
Breathing may come shorter and quicker while heart rate goes up
Your Actions shift into avoidance or escalation
Your behavior may:
Raised tone of voice or become silent
Move you to physically leave the area or get into your partner's space
You start to say things in order to elicit a reaction or to shut down the conflict
Changing actions can be a sign that the conflict has gone too far without a break. Conflicts should not include yelling, name-calling or physical aggression of any kind.
Repair Statements
When you notice that you or your partner are beginning to feel triggered you can try to make a repair statement to get back on track in the conversation. Here are a few statements that you can try out:
This Can Sound Like:
“Sorry, I just checked out, can we try that again. I want to really hear what you have to say.”
“I’m feeling myself getting caught up in my feelings, can we take a 5-minute break and come back to this?”
“Wow, we really got off track there let’s try again”
Non-Judgmental Thoughts and Words
(this is easier said than done!)
This is a time to focus on you and how you want to move forward in this and any future relationships. It’s easy to blame ourselves or our partners, but that often doesn’t change things. Looking at what you want and how you can move forward, without judgment, allows you to authentically choose the best path forward with certainty. This is key in the discernment process.
This is a time for you to look at what you can and want to change, not place judgment on your shoulders or to throw at your partners.
What do you want? What are you willing to do next?
Don’t Move into Champion, Convincing, Debating, or Conclusion Mode Yet
Whether you are the leaning in or leaning out person, try to be curious about what comes next instead of trying to convince the other of what is ‘right’. For now, try not to make a decision, instead be curious about how you are feeling as you look at the three paths. Notice any thoughts, sensations, or feelings that come up for you, then be curious and compassionate.
Over our time together you will find your path, until then, take time to be curious, compassionate, and slow down.
This decision will have a long-lasting impact. Even though it feels hard to be in uncertainty now, in the long run, you will value the clarity slowing down here will offer.