Terry Real’s Winning Strategies for Relationships: What Works (and What Definitely Doesn’t)
Let’s start with a reality check: relationships are hard. No matter how many cute Instagram couple selfies you see, every single relationship has its mess—because, hey, we’re all human. Enter Terry Real, a therapist and author who doesn’t shy away from the uncomfortable truth that thriving relationships aren’t about perfection but about using the right strategies to grow together, even when things get messy.
Real’s Winning Strategies are a framework for showing up in your relationship like an adult (and not the kind of "adulting" where you binge Netflix instead of doing laundry). These strategies are about creating connection, mutual respect, and partnership instead of falling into the traps of blame, defensiveness, or keeping score. So, let’s dig in.
1. Speaking with Love and Respect
This one might seem like Relationship 101, but honestly, how many of us revert to speaking in sarcasm, snippy tones, or outright jabs when we’re feeling frustrated? Yeah, same. Terry Real emphasizes that love and respect aren’t luxuries in relationships—they’re the basics. This means no name-calling, no snide remarks, and definitely no passive-aggressive “oh, sure, whatever you think.”
Instead, he suggests asking yourself: “How can I say this in a way my partner can hear me?” Not, “How can I win this argument?”
Let’s say you’re annoyed that your partner left their dirty dishes in the sink again (because, of course, they did). Instead of “You’re so lazy; you never clean up after yourself,” try: “Hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed when I see dishes in the sink. Can we talk about how to make this feel more balanced?”
Cheesy? Maybe. Effective? Yes.
2. Responding with Curiosity Instead of Defensiveness
When your partner says something that stings, your first instinct might be to snap back, “Well, what about when you…?” But here’s the thing: defensiveness kills intimacy faster than a cold shoulder during an argument. Real suggests leaning into curiosity instead.
Example: Your partner says, “I feel like you’ve been distant lately.”
Instead of responding with, “Well, maybe if you weren’t so clingy, I wouldn’t need space,” you could say, “I didn’t realize I’ve been coming off that way. Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”
It’s not about taking all the blame—it’s about holding space for your partner’s experience while resisting the urge to defend yourself like a lawyer in court.
3. Owning Your Part
Here’s a tough pill to swallow: no matter how much your partner has messed up, you’re not perfect either (sorry, not sorry). Real’s winning strategies include owning your side of the street—your behavior, your choices, and your role in the relationship dynamic.
This doesn’t mean taking all the blame, but it does mean acknowledging when you’ve contributed to the problem. Did you shut down during an argument instead of saying how you felt? Did you dismiss your partner’s feelings because you were too tired to deal? Own it.
Pro tip: Apologizing isn’t weakness; it’s strength. “I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier. I was feeling stressed, but that’s no excuse to take it out on you” goes a long way.
4. Standing Up for Yourself Without Being a Jerk
Real calls this “empowered boundaries,” and honestly, it’s a game-changer. This strategy is about saying what you need without steamrolling your partner or letting them steamroll you. It’s the sweet spot between being a doormat and being overly aggressive.
For example, if your partner keeps making plans without consulting you, you don’t have to explode or roll your eyes and silently seethe. Instead, try: “I love that you’re excited to make plans, but I need us to check in with each other first before committing to things. Can we agree to do that?”
Clear. Direct. Respectful. Boundaries don’t have to feel like ultimatums—they’re just agreements to protect what matters.
5. Living with Gratitude
In long-term relationships, it’s easy to focus on what’s not working and completely overlook what’s going well. Gratitude isn’t just about saying “thank you” for the big stuff; it’s about noticing the small things your partner does and letting them know it matters.
Did your partner make you coffee this morning? Tell them it means a lot to you. Did they take the kids out so you could have a quiet hour to yourself? Acknowledge it.
Gratitude shifts your focus from “What’s wrong with them?” to “What’s great about us?”—and that’s a mindset shift that benefits everyone.
The Bottom Line: Connection Over Winning
Here’s the deal: there’s no such thing as a relationship where no one ever messes up, says the wrong thing, or gets on the other person’s nerves. The real magic is in how you handle those moments. Are you doubling down on being right, or are you prioritizing connection?
Terry Real’s winning strategies aren’t about keeping score or “fixing” your partner; they’re about showing up as your best self while encouraging your partner to do the same. It’s messy, imperfect, and sometimes downright hard—but it’s also worth it.
So, next time you’re in a moment where you feel like yelling, “What is wrong with you?!” maybe try pausing and asking yourself, “What would love and respect do right now?” Spoiler: it’s never yelling.
Got a favorite winning strategy that works for you? Or a story about how not to do it? I’d love to hear it (snarky comments welcome). Let’s keep it real.