Jake and Emma are sitting on opposite sides of the couch in their therapist’s office. Jake’s shoulders are hunched, his hands clasped tightly as he looks down at the floor. Emma is leaning back, her arms crossed, her face a mask of exhaustion and skepticism.

“I just don’t know what she wants from me,” Jake says, his voice tinged with frustration. “I’ve been doing everything differently. I’m not like my dad. I’m not shutting down. I’m showing up, and it’s still not enough for her.”

Emma’s eyes narrow. “You say you’re showing up, but you’re not really here. You just want me to tell you it’s all okay so you feel better. That’s not how this works.”

Their dynamic is painfully familiar to anyone who has worked with couples. Jake, anxious and eager to fix things, has been putting in effort to make changes, but his approach feels hollow to Emma. Emma, walled off and hyper-independent, doesn’t trust Jake’s efforts and struggles to lower her defenses. They’re stuck in a cycle of blame, withdrawal, and misunderstanding—one that reflects deeper patterns shaped by their upbringings and societal conditioning.

This Is the First in Our Series on Gender Expectations in Relationships

This blog kicks off a series exploring how gender expectations and societal conditioning shape relational dynamics. From the emotional gaps we inherit to the walls we build to protect ourselves, understanding these patterns can shed light on the barriers to intimacy and connection. In this first piece, we’ll dive into the emotional divide and the struggle many men face when trying to catch up in relationships.

The Emotional Gap: Thoughts vs. Feelings

Jake grew up in a household where his mom was controlling and his dad was passive, only showing anger or intensity when pushed. From an early age, Jake learned that emotions were dangerous territory. Instead, he relied on logic and problem-solving to navigate conflict. Now, when things feel uneasy in his relationship, his default is to “fix it” with practical solutions.

But Jake struggles to differentiate thoughts from feelings. Statements like “I feel like you’re making a big deal of this” or “I feel like the way I snap at my partner isn’t that bad compared to how my dad used to explode when he was frustrated, so I don’t know why it’s such a big deal” aren’t expressions of emotion; they’re thoughts disguised as feelings. To Emma, these attempts feel dismissive and invalidating, even when Jake’s intentions are good.

Emma’s family, on the other hand, was a minefield of emotional neglect and substance use. Chaos was the norm, and Emma learned early that no one was coming to rescue her. Instead, she became her own anchor, shouldering responsibility far beyond her years and mastering the art of self-reliance. This hyper-independence became her armor—a survival strategy that kept her safe but also left her skeptical of anyone who tried to get too close. In her relationship with Jake, she often interprets his logical approach as avoidance rather than care.

The Burnout of Trying

Jake feels like he’s working harder than ever to be a good partner. He’s in therapy, unpacking his childhood patterns, and trying to show up differently. But every time he makes an effort, it feels like Emma moves the goalposts. “How can she not see how vulnerable I’m being?” he wonders.

Emma, meanwhile, is stuck behind the walls she built to survive. She sees Jake’s efforts, but they don’t feel real. To her, he’s just checking boxes, trying to ease his own discomfort rather than truly understanding her pain. She feels like she’s been carrying the emotional load in their relationship for years, and now that Jake is finally trying, she’s too burned out to meet him halfway.

This cycle leaves them both feeling unseen and disconnected. Jake retreats into blaming Emma’s upbringing for their struggles, while Emma doubles down on her independence, convinced that Jake will never really “get it.”

Gender and the Maps We’re Given

Jake and Emma’s story isn’t unique. It’s a reflection of how gendered conditioning and personal histories shape our relational dynamics. Societal expectations around masculinity have long emphasized independence, stoicism, and achievement, while devaluing vulnerability and emotional expression. Jake’s struggles with feelings and connection are a direct result of the map he was handed as a child.

Similarly, Emma’s hyper-independence and skepticism are rooted in the messages she received growing up. Women are often taught to take on the emotional labor in relationships while simultaneously being dismissed when they express their needs. These patterns aren’t inherent; they’re learned behaviors, reinforced by societal structures and family dynamics.

It’s important to note that not all relationships involve men and women, and not all people fit neatly into gendered boxes. Relationships exist across a broad spectrum of identities, and these dynamics aren’t universal. But understanding how gender shapes the ways we’re taught, conditioned, and expected to engage with emotions and relationships can help shed light on the barriers to intimacy and connection.

Breaking the Cycle

Jake and Emma’s journey in therapy highlights the importance of unlearning these patterns and building new relational tools. For Jake, this means:

Learning the Language of Feelings: Distinguishing between thoughts and emotions. Saying, “I feel sad,” “I feel scared,” or “I feel disconnected,” without immediately justifying or explaining.
Practicing Vulnerability: Showing up authentically, even when it’s uncomfortable, and resisting the urge to “fix” everything.
Understanding Emma’s Experience: Listening to her pain without defensiveness, and acknowledging the years she’s spent carrying the emotional load.

For Emma, the work involves:

Stepping Out from Behind the Walls: Allowing herself to trust Jake’s efforts, even if they’re imperfect.
Articulating Her Needs: Clearly expressing what she wants from Jake without assuming he should already know.
Recognizing Growth: Acknowledging the progress Jake is making, even if it doesn’t yet meet all her expectations.

A Shared Responsibility

If you’ve connected with Jake and Emma’s story, you might be wondering how to begin bridging this divide. In a future blog, we’ll dive deeper into what individual work actually looks like in the context of relationship building. We’ll explore actionable strategies for breaking these cycles, fostering emotional connection, and creating a foundation for intimacy and trust.

Jake and Emma’s story reminds us that relational growth is a shared responsibility. Both partners bring their own histories, wounds, and expectations into the relationship, and both need to commit to growth. It’s messy, imperfect work, but it’s also where deeper connection and understanding can be found.

Their story highlights the potential for change when both partners are willing to break old patterns and build something new together. If you see yourself in Jake or Emma, take heart: the first step toward connection is recognizing the cycle, and the next is daring to change it.

Blog 1: The Catch-Up Game: Why Men Feel Behind in Relationships